Nov 22

‘Pay for damages’ (Ukuhlawulela Umntwana)

by in Culture & Heritage

Nkanyiso Dlamini

My name is Nkanyiso Cedric Dlamini I am 22 years of age, born at KwaMashu but grew up at Inanda. At home we are a family of nine my dad and mum and seven children. I am the third born at home.

In the African or Zulu culture when a boy impregnates a girl before marriage his permitted to pay for damages to the girl’s parents. Straightaway after the parents are aware that the girl is pregnant, her mother accompanied by other women and girls almost the same age as the girl go the boy’s homestead to report the pregnancy. They all wake up early in the morning, while everybody is still sleeping another reason for this is for them to reach the boy’s homestead while they are sleeping. When they reach the boy’s homestead all the girls take off their tops to show their breasts so that it will be easy to recognise the pregnant girl.

But at home it was otherwise, my older sister who stays in Johannesburg fell pregnant in 2009 no one knew at home until she delivered the baby then it when she told us after delivering the baby. My father sent my mother to Johannesburg she came back with the baby and the news that the boy will come and pay for damages and cleans our home. Then in 2011 the boy decided to pay for the damages and cleanse my family. My father told my older brother and me that we will be part of the negotiation because my father does not have brothers anymore and our relatives are far away from us in Eastern Cape, so that why we were the part of the negotiations and also my uncle was part of it.

The boy sent his two representatives from his family they arrived around 11am my brother had to get them in town at the Durban station. When they came they greeted us and my uncle said we shouldn’t talk to them until they give us imvulamlomo (mouth opener to speak) price for opening your mouth. You do not need imvulamlomo if you are paying for damages unless it for lobola, but at home we wanted it. They gave us the money they putted it down on the flow and I counted it and nod with my head to say that it the correct amount, my dad started asking them that what brings them here and they said that their son sent them to pay for the damages and cleanse the family.

My dad said he want two cows and a goat, the first cows was to cleans the family and our surname the second cows was for the virginity and the goat was to cleans the girls who are still virgins. But the representatives were very persuasive they paid for two goat and one cow they made us understand said that the boy promised them that they will come back soon to lobola and we listened to them. My brother and I  we were clueless we just kept quite we couldn’t say anything, my brother was busy jotting  things down that we agree on and I was counting the money and hand it over to my father.

November 2012

 

This post is also available in: Zulu

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97 Responses to “‘Pay for damages’ (Ukuhlawulela Umntwana)”

  1. From Ayanda Ngcobo:

    Paying damages is an imprtant aspect of the African cultures, it is still practiced today. I feel it is highly important to know more about it as we are living in a world today, where many people are having children before marriage.

    Posted on February 12, 2013 at 9:00 am #
  2. From Nkanyiso Dlamini:

    My question is that they are many girls who are impregnated by more than one guy, do all these guys pay for damages or it is paid by the first guy who breaks the girls virgin and impregnate her?

    Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:58 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      there are different cows paid and a goat for cleansing. The goat is only paid by the first man to impregnant that certain girl and the cow known as ‘inkomo ka mama’ (mother’s cow) is only paid by the one who breaks the virginity.

      Posted on February 15, 2013 at 10:31 am #
    • From Sheil Cele:

      Nkanyiso, The damage is payed by all men that impregnented the girl, regardless of how many children the girl have, only the damaged of the virginty is payed by one person

      Posted on October 11, 2013 at 1:09 pm #
  3. From Thomas Mkhabela:

    I also have a question i need some clarification on, is there a certain time that if you have not paid the damages then you wont be ablen to see your child or something like that? in short is there a deadline to pay damages?

    Posted on February 15, 2013 at 7:39 am #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      No, there is not but it depends on the girl’s family. Most families are not very strict on that but some families are and dont allow the father’s family to see the child. Paying damages is a very important tradition; for the child and relationship between the families. But some famlies don’t pay for the damages and get away with it.

      Posted on February 15, 2013 at 10:27 am #
    • From Thobeka Vilakazi:

      I also think as Ayanda have said its depends on the two families but it is important for the guy to pay the damages and its also shows good manners as you would have made a mistake to make a girl pregnant before marriage. Lets say perhaps you don’t want to pay the damages and so forth, the girls family have got a right to refuse for the guy to see the child because some people think they aree too sophisticated and educated, nd that can make them do as they please but the law is the law and no one have got a right to change it. If a guy have made a girl pregnant while they are not married and the girl is still living with her parents then the child rightfully belongs to the girl’s family and some places you have to live the child with their grandparents even if you get married to the father of the child.

      Posted on February 19, 2013 at 7:32 pm #
  4. From Tebo:

    It happened that I got impregnent by a Venda boy. His Family went upfront to report the news to my family, when got to my family house they refused to pay damages saying is against their culture and Custom I don’t how through is” that”? The babies were born after they born no one in their family inform to say they coming according to their promise that they will come back. What confuse me again is they want me to practise their customs and rename my kids after their surname. I am a bit dissappointed to realise that other cultures do not treat culture seriously and they seem not to respect other culture’s value

    Posted on May 26, 2013 at 4:49 am #
  5. From athi:

    I am a xhosa lady and a have a son with a zulu man and he supports his child and I’m stil living under my parents house and he says he wants to me to take the child to his home where he wil perform sum tradition where he wil slaughter a goat for a child and Introduced him to his ancestors so I wanted to knw that can he do that without paying for damages and cleansing my home?

    Posted on November 27, 2013 at 1:42 pm #
    • From Nkanyiso Dlamini:

      To Athi
      I according to what I know, and to the Nguni culture no he can not perform any ritual for the child until he pays the lobola. Yes even if he pay for the damage and cleans your house that doesn’t give him the right to do any ritual for the child. Pay for damage means that yes I know I have mistakenly impregnated the girl I am sorry, paying it doesn’t mean now he owns the child until he pays lobola and marries you.

      Posted on March 19, 2014 at 10:03 am #
      • From Keji:

        We know people like you . Good adviser….

        Posted on January 17, 2016 at 4:27 pm #
  6. From nomsa:

    I am a ndebele girl raised by a xhosa mother,I’m using my moms xhosa surname but I do ndebele rituals because my father never married my mum. I was a virgin girl who dated a pedi guy,he’s mum and I got along though she was so strict it was ridiculous,I got pregnant and because I don’t have any uncles my mum took another elderly woman and went to report the matter,he agreed that he impregnated me then he’s mum said she’d call and let us know when they are coming to pay the damages. Nothing happened till I was nine months pregnant and I asked my boyfriend when they coming because in ndebele damages should be paid before the baby is born he then asked his mom,as strict as his mom was she got angry I asked said I’m disrespectful to ask about elderly matters and in pedi they see the baby first before they pay but she never said a word about it,she called me but I was too scared to answer,he came to fetch me but I was also to scared to face her. Two days later I went to apologize she told me she never wants to see me again,I tried to apologize again two days later that’s when she threw me out and called me names saying I was raised by a dumb woman who makes me do dumb things. Those words have me doubt going back to that family. Till this day she has never spoken to me and tells people how much disrespectful and how much she hates me,my relationship with my boyfriend has taken strain,they never came to pay the damages because his mum says my mother should go to her house and tell her how bad I am but my mum says she should come to our house and report the matter first. No one is talking to anyone,the baby is almost a year old now I’ve sneaked out with the baby to let her see her father though my family says they shouldn’t see the baby when they haven’t paid. The father of my child buys nappies and formula milk but that’s it,his mum has never seen the baby and doesn’t reach out to try and see it. He says he’s mum doesn’t hate me and that she was just angry. I feel saddened by this and don’t know how to fix the mess I made,please help!

    Posted on December 6, 2013 at 10:25 am #
  7. From loveness:

    The money for the damages belongs to who?

    Posted on January 8, 2014 at 8:20 am #
  8. From Coloured Girl:

    Hi I am a coloured girl who got impregnated by a zulu guy.When I was 2 months pregnant I haven’t heard anything from the guy untill I gave birth to our baby girl.My baby is almost a year now,he has only see her 3 times,his parents has not seen her yet.He does not help me financially.I have raised my child alone without his help.I don’t know much about their custom and tradions.This is my first child.Can anyone tell me what will happen from here?

    Posted on January 22, 2014 at 11:30 pm #
    • From Nkanyiso Dlamini:

      To Coloured Girl
      The problem is that you have different customs and traditions. I don’t know if you coloured people do accept payment If you are impregnated by a guy outside of marriage, but because it the guy who impregnated you he has to tell his parents about you and his parents sit down with your parent and come to an agreement how they going to solve the problem.

      Posted on March 19, 2014 at 10:23 am #
  9. From menzi:

    Ok guys let say I wants to pay for damage,how much must I prepare?

    Posted on February 10, 2014 at 8:38 pm #
  10. From Ayanda Ngcobo:

    Menzi

    They will ask for a goat, may range from R1200-2000,you will have to buy a goat, amazolo are usually not more than R500, two cows, they may charge you R3000 – 7000 for each cow. But you start with amazolo and the goat may follow and then discuss with them on how and when you will pay for the cows.

    Posted on February 14, 2014 at 1:12 pm #
  11. From mbali hlongwa:

    Owk guyz….I’m a 19 year old girl who is confused..I see that you guys can help me…my bf wants to come and pay for breaking me..I’m not pregnent though..now all I wanna knw is hw much does it cost normaly?(Ukuhlawulelwa) are any goats required? Or its jst da money?

    Posted on February 27, 2014 at 3:52 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Mbali, I think he must pay a cow, it may be in a monetary form, it depends on your family.

      Posted on March 18, 2014 at 7:53 am #
  12. From Palesa Moeketsi:

    After reading the comments I would like to cause I got pregnant a couple of years ago I became pregnant and got miscarriage @ 4 months the guy didn’t pay any damages nor did any cleansing ceremony. I’m now pregnant by a different guy is the proceedure still the same?

    Posted on March 6, 2014 at 6:44 am #
  13. From Kgothatso Malatjie:

    Hi guys, I’m a male of 23 years, my girl friend fell pregnant, I told my family, when her mom found out, she insisted it was not necessary to pay damages, but for me it was because it shows respect and responsibility. I got my girlfriend on medical aid because theirs was cancelled and I want my baby to be covered healthwise. I got my family to go to her house and pay damages. Now her mother has a problem with the child using my surname because she says she has no guarantee that I will marry her daughter. The problem I have is that my gf’s mom got remarried and they changed surname to her stepfathers surname but I want my child in my surname. What rights do I hve concerning that? Because I understand that paying damages is admitting to the fault of impregnating their daughter and taking responsibility and accountability for my child.

    Posted on March 16, 2014 at 7:35 pm #
  14. From Ayanda Ngcobo:

    Kgothatso you can pay more (another cow) to say that your child belongs with your family and you are fully responsible. That is known as ‘ukuthenga’, ‘ingane uyayithenga uthi ayibe eyakini’.

    Posted on March 18, 2014 at 7:50 am #
  15. From desperate:

    Hi guys pls help!I have two questions (1)my father is a coloured my mom a tswana so dat means I’m a coloured bt my mom lyks to do her rituals nd traditions on me lyk my bf wants to marry me she wants lobola n all those things dat goes hand in hand wit it while my dad says he wants nothing jus wants my bf to take care of me so my bf wants to send his parents bt frm my side ther is still a lot of confusion wht must I do? Da second thing is. (2) got pregnant nd my parents went 2 da guy family to report da matter wher they agreed they are aware n accept responsibility but my parents ddnt tell them abt any damage wen baby was born they came to c da child n my parents told them they want damage n they told my parents they didn’t cum wit anything since they did nt tell them bt they will cum back so nw my bf wants to marry me must he still pay lobola plus da damage they asked hm b4?is it fair? Pls help me I feel like giving up n just nt get marid jus to spite my mom

    Posted on April 5, 2014 at 10:39 pm #
  16. From momo:

    Hi. M young pedi girl who stays in jhb. M 4 months pregnant and my boy friend (zulu) he’s happy about it. But the sad part is that he moved in with his ex girl friend after he found out that m pregnat. He want My child to use his surname and he want to take him(baby) away from me. So I hv spoke to my parents about it then they said they not gonna report the damage from his family. He doesn’t support me financially but likely I am working which he is not happy about it…I just want to know if its a good thing or not. Because I dnt know if I should leave him coz he’s now bussy with his ex girl friend or what. Plz help

    Posted on April 13, 2014 at 10:10 am #
  17. From unanimously:

    How do you pay for breaking the virginity only?

    Posted on April 16, 2014 at 11:18 pm #
  18. From moi moi:

    M a 22 years girl, I m pregnat nd, m 2 months I told my bf and he’s so happy abt it but he doesn’t want 2 tell he’s parents should my parents go there or they must just wait 4 him to tell his parents.

    Posted on May 12, 2014 at 9:17 am #
  19. From Melissa:

    I am an African American and I got pregnant by a man from togo he hasnt seen his child and I havent heard from him and he doesnt help at all. Can anybody tell me the culture of togo. Like would his family dis own him?

    Posted on May 18, 2014 at 3:31 am #
  20. From Calvas:

    May I ask a question, I’m a male, my son was born 2008 and I was required to pay R6000 for the damages. Now the mother and I are no longer together, according to the African Custom, if I paid does that mean I can have the child and change his surname to my own?

    Posted on May 22, 2014 at 10:54 am #
  21. From Ayanda Ngcobo:

    Hi Calvas
    You need to speak to the parents of the mother’s child and ask permission. You may be required to pay one more cow (ukuthenga ingane)and then you can change the child. But it is highly dependent on the girl’s parents.

    Posted on May 26, 2014 at 9:06 am #
  22. From Nomfundo:

    Hello,I’m confused and need help. I’m 7 months pregnant and my boyfriend understands that he must pay damages. The problem is that his representatives haven’t come cause they live far now my mom is harrassing me about this whole situation,reminding me every second that she deserves this money. Who does this money belong to? My mom or my soon to be born daughter?

    Posted on May 27, 2014 at 1:25 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Nomfundo

      The money belongs to your father or uncle and your mum would be entitled to inkomo kamama that is only paid if you are having a child for the first time. And also, amazolo would go to your mum, they would have to negotiate but it is not your unborn child’s money. The purpose of inhlawulo is to say that the person who impregnated you acknowledges that they have done wrong by impregnating you before marriage and it serves as an apology to your parents.

      Posted on May 30, 2014 at 11:56 am #
  23. From Mthokozisi Zulu:

    Hello Forum

    My girlfriend(Xhosa) is pregnant and i (Zulu) do love her. now since her mother is already talking about our baby cannot have my surname if i dont marry her. this is making me worry about why i would bother with paying full damages since it wont be mine/or in my surname. Meaning she would be brought up in the xhosa although i want him/her be in mine. i am willing to pay full damages if my conditions are met. marriage is definately off the tables for me at the moment as we are not financially stable. but who can say after a few years. im only willing to go as high as R12000 but higher than that is too rich for my blood.

    Regards
    Mthokozisi Zulu

    Posted on May 29, 2014 at 7:38 am #
  24. From Ayanda Ngcobo:

    Mthoko

    You will need to plead with them and not forcefully take the child as it belongs to them. You will have to pay inhlawulo and after that you may be required to pay inkomo yokuthenga. You are not forced to marry her if uzokwazi ukuthenga ingane.

    Posted on May 30, 2014 at 11:58 am #
  25. From Lindiwe:

    Hi

    Ngicela ukwazi ukuthi uma uwumuntu wesifazane ukhuleliswe umuntu oyedwa izingane eziwu two kufanele yini akhiphe izimbuzi ezimbili zokugeza umuzi nenye yesithathu yokugeza izintombi.manje ubabawezungane zami ufuna ukuzolobola ahlawule izingane zakhe ekhaya bathi akakhiphe u 8000 but mina ngesikhathi ngikhulelwe ingane yami yokuqala bengiqhubile omama kwathiwa inkomo ka mama u 2500 kuvumelekile yini ukuthi bashintshe imali eyayibiziwe ngoba bethi sekuphele isikhathi eside engakaze ahlawule into engifuna ukuyazi kahle ukuthi if ethi uzolobola ngokwesizulu kumele yini ahlawule izingane.

    Posted on June 17, 2014 at 9:59 am #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Lindiwe

      Yebo kumele ahluwule but umuzi ugezwa kanye kuphela ngembuzi. Ukuhlawula izinkomo, inkomo kamama iphuma kanye le enye inkomo kumele aphinde ayikhiphe. Mengaka loboli nje. kodwa, izinkomo lezi zokuhlawula ziyaphuka kwilobolo. Eg. if umuntu ekuzalisa kathathu ngaphambi kokulobola, azikhiphe zonke lezo nkomo, bese elobola ngeke aqale phansi akhiphe lezo nkomo.

      Posted on July 31, 2014 at 11:00 am #
  26. From Sheila Cele:

    @ Lindiwe, yebo kumele ahlawule yize zolobola, iqiniso lith akakaloboli so akanalo ilunhelo lokumithisa lokho kuyicala. Noma zingaba wu5 uzolokhe ehlawulile nje until alobole nishade okwamanje kusayicala nje ukumothisana kwenu. As for ukunyusa imali yenkomo kamama, ngokwesiZulu akulona isiko ukunyusa imali but sekuwumkhubavojwayelekile ukuth inyuswe uma umuntu ephuzile ukuhlawula.

    Posted on June 20, 2014 at 12:04 pm #
  27. From ESONA:

    Owk I’m 17 years and his 19 years the problem is that I’m pregnant••• And we both in school he has confessed that he will work and take care for his lil family••• But the problem is that he’s family doesn’t have much money so he wants to work and pay him self is it a must to pay damages while the baby is in the way? Ijust wanna know. Or you pay damages when you have enough money ?

    Posted on June 25, 2014 at 2:40 pm #
  28. From ESONA:

    I’m 17 and his 19 the problem is that we expecting a baby and we both happy••• The problem is that his family doesn’t have much money to pay damages and we both still in school the good thing is his willing to work for his lil family which is me and his coming baby•• Is it a must to pay damages right away the pregnancy becouse he wants to work then pay him self the damage we both made•••. What am asking exactly is after 3 years is it cool to pay the damages aftr the baby evn if he/she haz grwon up?

    Posted on June 25, 2014 at 2:45 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hey Esona

      Your families will have to discuss that. The damages do not really have to be paid all at once, I’m sure your families can agree on an arrangement.

      Posted on June 26, 2014 at 1:20 pm #
  29. From rakgadi:

    hi im a pedi girl in a relationship wit a zulu man.we stayed together since 2012 n hes paying my fees at varsity.iv bn stayin with him n his family frm th moment he fetched me at limpopo.hes family accepted me.thn he bought himself a house then we moved out n im stayin wit him only at his house.we nly go to his hme on weekends to vct bt he still takes. care for his family which i do not mind of at ol.now m pregnant wit ma first child n this is my first pregnancy n our first born.we both dnt have kids anywhr.in ma culture he had to pay damages before i give birth n he said hes culture hel pay aftr.i dnt know which culture do we hav to follw now n hes a stricly cultural man he respects it bt i dnt want thm to washout ma family without considerin thr culture.pls hlp me wat do i do

    Posted on June 28, 2014 at 8:26 am #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Rakgadi

      That is a bit of a problem but it shouldn’t really be. I don’t believe that is entirely true that in the Zulu culture you pay after. What usually happens is that, a man may pay part of the damages before the baby is born and the rest after (though some do not pay these days). I believe that in this case, he needs to listen to your parents, it is called damages because it is believed that he has done something wrong / violated some law. He then needs to do the best he can to make ‘peace’ with your family. The families need to sit down and discuss this and come up with an agreement.

      All the best!

      Posted on July 2, 2014 at 7:16 am #
  30. From Thebe:

    Hello. I’m a Pedi guy n my girlfriend is pregnant (Swati). Is it possible for her parents to ask me to visit so that they can know me, while not paid even a single cent? I feel like it’s a disrespect according to Pedi culture. what’s the Swasi procedure to this situation?

    Posted on July 8, 2014 at 4:55 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Thebe

      I don’t know much about the Swati but in the Zulu culture it is also considered to be disrespectful and maybe in all the black South Africa cultures. Because your culture believes it is disrespectful,then do the right thing, you wouldn’t want to do something that is disrespectful.

      Posted on July 25, 2014 at 8:41 am #
  31. From bongani:

    Hi i’m bongani 25 yrs of age currently inloved with the person I wish to enjoy my life with. she’s a year older than me and has a 10 yr old boy,the father of her boy passed on via an accident.

    I’ve learned a lot from her byfar and she doesn’t know that,she still at her parents crib as well as I but im living with cousins at a family house via my guidance are living in their houses,pls advise on how do I show her parents that limazad their ngane outside marriage and I earn peanuts where I work as I have debts to date but willing to pop out something for my wrong doings.

    Posted on July 23, 2014 at 8:30 pm #
  32. From Antoinette Moleni:

    Hi,I’m a xHosa girl and pregnant..I’m currently living with my 2 sisters.Our parents died 4 years back..wHat I wana know is that ,now that my parents are not here and that my boyfriend wanna pay for damages,what happens to the damages fee?(My uncles will be the ones negotiating on my folks behalf) Does the fees belong to me and my baby?or half of it?

    Posted on July 24, 2014 at 12:11 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Antoinette

      It belongs to your elders, they may give you some of it but you are not to take charge of the process.
      It is called damages (ukukhlawula) because it is believed that he has done something wrong / violated some law. That money cannot therefore belong to you.

      Posted on July 25, 2014 at 8:37 am #
  33. From Thando:

    Hi I am a xhosa girl 29..I’ve been leaving with the father of my child for 3yrs and I’m preg with second 1 nw. so he feels ashemed abt that & want to pay lobola..bt he is not financially stable at the moment.Bt I am, is it a right move to help him with lobola money???I really lov him bt am also confused on wheather to help him or not cz my family also expecting him to pay lobola cz its a second time & he didn’t even pay for the damages for first child

    Posted on July 25, 2014 at 7:26 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Thando

      That is a very difficult situation, ukuzilobola ihlazo sisi. It is not a wise thing to do. Ilobolo is not a once off payment, it can take 10 years, if he really is committed, he will pay bit by bit and one doesn’t have to have the whole lobolo money paid in full in order to get married, umuntu akaqedwa. There is no need to rush. But it is your decision but just know, it is not culturally and morally acceptable.

      Posted on July 31, 2014 at 11:07 am #
  34. From Sheila Cele:

    @ Thando, I’m afraid none of us can help you to reach that decision, it real up to a person. But I think it depends kuth how rooted are u entwen zama dlozi, coz if u really are u will knw kuth u can’t fool them, Bt if not ungakwenza n hope ngeke akugikele Esiswin njengotshwala one day, akuthuke ngakho kuth wazilobola. As I said, it your call, only u know what to do

    Posted on July 29, 2014 at 9:56 am #
  35. From Thabang:

    I wanna knw do u pay damange for 2nd child I hv with my gal friend and he has a child first child is not mine

    Posted on August 5, 2014 at 9:34 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Thabang

      Yes, you do, even if it was the first child, you are expected to pay damages if you impregnate someone without paying lobola for them.

      Posted on August 18, 2014 at 9:58 am #
      • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

        Thabang

        Even if it was her fifth child.

        Posted on August 18, 2014 at 10:20 am #
  36. From asanda samente:

    What if udibene nalentombazana ingelo virgin kufane ukhuphe I dameges nangona ngayazi ba ngowakho na or? My husband unomntwana out side kudala enaye and kudala ephangela bengafuni mali ye damages ngoku utshatile tshate nam bayaqala bafuna mali ye damage ebemondla lomntana iminyaka le kufuneka eyikhuphile le mali or aqale abize mali yakhe le ebeyikhupha yokondla mntana iminyaka le and ntombi ibingelo virgin.

    Posted on August 14, 2014 at 7:14 am #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Asanda

      Inhlawulo uyayikhokha noma umama womntwana engasaphelele, inkomo ebizwa ngokuthi inkomo kamama ongayikhiphi uma umuntu engasayona intombi ephelele. Uma enesiqiniseko sokuthi ingane ngeyakhe, kumele ayihlawule, noma umuntu eyondla ingane yakhe inhlawulo iyohlala iyisikweletu.

      Posted on August 18, 2014 at 10:05 am #
  37. From noMfundo:

    Hi every1 I’m really lost on what’s amazolo is cn any1 clarrify that one for me.and I wanna know about the virginity cow is it paid by a person who broke your birginity or by the person who impregnanted you for the first time.

    Posted on August 14, 2014 at 7:22 pm #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Mfundo

      Amazolo- dew/ droplets of water that you find on the grass in the mornings. Because the pregnancy is reported in the mornings, they would say they were being ‘hit by dew/ amazolo’ on their way to the baby father’s home and so the father/his family should pay for that. That money is paid because the girls family traveled to report the pregnancy.
      Virginity cow- inkomo ka mama, that cow is payed if you impregnate a girl who was a virgin but nowadays you find that the girl’s family charges for this cow if the girl is having their first child, assuming she was a virgin.

      Posted on August 18, 2014 at 10:14 am #
  38. From mamello:

    Hi! Am pedi,25yr and prgnant with my 1st child by a swati guy in my family side they don’t report pregnancy if a gal is staying with the guy,my prblm here is the surname cuz the guy says in his culture a child should use his surname,whn I tell my family they say he must do the right(lobola) thing then the child will use his surname but his family say the other thing cunfused*help*

    Posted on August 21, 2014 at 1:56 pm #
  39. From Bussie:

    Hi! I just want to find out,my babys dad hasn’t paid inhlawulo nd my son is 4, his parents haven’t seen our child either. He now says he’s prepared to pay for damages but wants me to speak to my parents nd find out what he should bring. should he not be sending representatives to my home to get dis info? bcoz initially he advised he knows whts to be done so there is no need for my family to go to his place to let them know of my pregnancy. Now what im heari ng as well is that in Xhosa tradition he has to pay a cow in monetary value or a living cow bcoz dis is my 1st time as a mother eventhough i wsnt a virgin,how true is dat?

    Posted on August 25, 2014 at 4:25 am #
  40. From V.Shirindza:

    Hi, I’m tsonga n my boyfriend is from camroon and he paid R10k damages but is still not allowed to see the baby or even name the baby due to the hate my father has for foreigners and my father went to the point of insulting my bf n his family while they were here to pay damages and now my bf also dislikes my father n won’t follow his culture. In my boyfriend culture paying damages means he has the right to his baby meaning naming n changing the surname. I , myself don’t understand the meaning of damages , any1 care to explain? And my father wants to name the baby n I still don’t understand why? What to do?

    Posted on September 6, 2014 at 7:18 pm #
  41. From Nyovest:

    I am 25 years old so i want to know when do i tell my parents or do i tell my parents that a girl friend is pregnant. How do i do it? Or do i wait for them to come?

    Posted on October 14, 2014 at 9:43 pm #
  42. From PETUNIA:

    I AM A MOTHER OF A 20YR OLD BOY, I GOT DIVORCED WITH HIS FATHER SOME 14YRS AGO, MY SON HAS IMPREGNANTED A SHANGAAN GIRL. I DOUBT THAT THIS GIRL WAS A VIRGIN BECAUSE WE USE TO HEAR A LOT OF STORIES ABOUT HER AND OTHER BOYS, SHE DRINKS AND APPARENTLY SMOKES.THE GIRL’S PARENTS ARE CHRISTIANS AND I HEAR THE FATHER IS ACTUALLY A PASTOR.

    I HAD ALREADY STARTED DISPISING THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHE SLEPT WITH MY SON IN MY HOUSE DURING THE DAY WHEN I’M AT WORK , THIS THEY DO IN THE PRESENCE OF MY DOMESTIC HELPER AND GARDENER, THAT’S HOW DISRESPECTFUL SHE HAS BEEN. MY SON HAS CRASHED HIS CAR TWICE ALREADY CHASING AFTER HER WITH OTHER BOYS.

    WHAT NOW AMAZES ME IS THAT THE PARENTS OF THIS GIRL ARE PRESSURIZING MY SON TO SEND HIS PEOPLE TO COME AND SEE THEM. THE FATHER SAYS WE ARE THE ONE’S WHO ARE AT FAULT ONE’S WHO HAS SINNED/ ARE GUILTY THEREFORE WE SHOULD COME TO THEM, NOT THEM TO US.

    WHERE HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT? WHEN A BOY SENDS HIS PEOPLE TO THE GIRL’S PARENTS IT MEANS HE HAS INTENTIONS TO MARRY THAT GIRL. I’M TALKING ABOUT A 20 YR OLD BOY WHO DOES NOT EVEN HAVE A DIPLOMA NOT TO MENTION A DEGREE, HE IS STILL AT SCHOOL. IF MY PEOPLE GO TO THE GIRL’S PLACE THIS WILL IN FUTURE BE INTERPRETED AS OUR INTENTION TO MARRY THIS GIRL.

    I AM ZULU AND THE FATHER OF MY SON IS ZULU, BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THE CHILD TO BE HIS, HIS FATHER IS PREPARED TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGES BUT TO START LOBOLA NEGOTIATIONS, WHY ARE PARENTS EVER SO DESPERATE? THEY END UP TAKING THE WRONG DECISIONS WHICH WILL IN FUTURE JEOPARDISE THE LIVES OF THEIR DAUGHTER, IF THESE KIDS MARRY AT THIS TENDER AGE YOU THINK THEY WILL GROW OLD TOGETHER? THE BOY WILL SOON SEE OTHER GIRLS WHO DO NOT HAVE BABIES AND ARE GOAL ORIENTATED AND HAVE MATURED RELATION SHIP WITH, AND WHERE WILL THIS ONE BE? HOME ALONE WITH THE BABY AND NO LOVE AT ALL. PARENTS PLEASE STICK TO THE CULTURE!!!!

    Posted on October 15, 2014 at 1:22 pm #
  43. From bath:

    hi

    im a pedi girl 29. im pregnent with my second child different man . my problem is my parents never wanted to go to my bf parents from my first child’s father we separated . and now they are phoning me to say they want to go and report the second pregnancy.which im not comfortable with them reporting since they did not care before. i wanted to be pregnant and is not any body’s problem. i wanted it. must he go pay damages?

    Posted on October 28, 2014 at 8:46 am #
  44. From lesego:

    I’m a tswana lady aged 30. Have bn in a relationship wit a pedi man for 2 years. We live in different cities. I am pregnant n ever since I told him hour has been coming up with stories as I told him that in my culture we hv to go report the pregnancy. He kept saying he will tell his sisters and brothers since 1st month. bt issue is I hv never met any of his family. Now he jst told me that he’s married and his wife got to find out about us. How does that concern the baby? I have then broken up with him as he lied, now he threatened me and said I’m bringing trouble in his life and marriage. That’s not what we planned as we both knew about the pregnancy from day 1 and he has blocked me. I need to know what do I say to my family and what’s the procedure of the pedi’s when it comes to reporting pregnancy. I’m almost due and I don’t even know what to tell my family. Help me

    Posted on January 2, 2015 at 4:01 pm #
  45. From Ntsika:

    unyana wam una 9 months,ubiza i surname yam, asisavani no tata wakhe, kodwa ke uyazenza zonke imfanelo zomntwana ngoku ufuna uyokuhlawula phambi kokuba umntana agqibe unyaka kuba for some reasons bathi kumele ayochetywa kulotatakhe inwele,

    ndicela ukubuza ba yimalini inhlawulo?

    referring to your response to Menzi’s question above, What is the goat for/is there a specific reason for it? and what are the two cows for, do they have to be two?

    Enkosi Kakhula

    Posted on April 28, 2015 at 11:54 am #
  46. From Thabi:

    My boyfriend and I are both aged32, we have been together for 1 year and are thinking about having a child. We are both Tswana. I am wanting to know if there is an age limit on the payment of damages. We both feel that it is not necessary, however our families might feel differently. We are talking about getting married but we are not at the stage where its financially feasible for him to pay Lobola. Can we just have our child and not pay for damages?

    Posted on May 13, 2015 at 7:58 am #
  47. From MOSES M:

    HI,GUYS AM 19YRS OLD GUY WHO IMPRAGNATED A ZULU GIRL WE ARE AT SCHOOL AND HAPPY TOGETHER BUT I DIDNT MARRY HER AND HER ,SHE WAS A VIRGIN WHEN I FOUND HER SHE”S TWO YEARS OLDER THAN ME ,HER PARENTS CHARGED ME TWO COWS AND R500 WHICH I DONT KNOW WHAT IS IT FOR ,I LOVE THAT PERSON BUT MY FAMILY DONT HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY NOW AND I AM WILLING TO PAY THE DAMAGES WHEN I HAVE MONEY MYSELF AND HER PARENTS SAID TO HER THAT SHE MUST GIVE BIRTH AT MY PLACE AND LEAVE THE CHILD AT MY PLACE AND CONTINUE STUDYING ,SO MY QUESTION IS WHEN MUST I PAY DAMAGES AND IF I DONT PAY THE DAMAGES BEFORE THE BABY IS BORN WHAT WIIL HAPPEN THEN ,TO ME, THE MOTHER”S CHILD AND THE CHILD?

    Posted on May 19, 2015 at 9:43 am #
  48. From casper:

    Hi I’m Casper Khanyile I have a gf that I met a year ago she has a daughter that is 7 years and now the I am in the picture the farther of the baby have decided to come pay 4 damages for the baby and have also said they want to pay 4 inkomo ka mama does that mean it’s a lobola process or inkomo ka mama can also be paid if u not going to lobola

    Posted on June 1, 2015 at 3:31 pm #
  49. From Ayanda Ngcobo:

    Hi Casper

    Not necessarily; inkomo ka mama eyokuthi wayeqala ukuzala ngengane yakhe, akusho ukuthi uyamulobola

    Posted on July 31, 2015 at 6:55 am #
  50. From MODIEGI:

    Hi. i am 29yrs old and i have a son who is 8yrs old i broke up with his father 2yrs ago and he never paid any damages, he was planing to pay lobola for me but it did’nt happan. my question is, he now wants to pay the damage and wants our son to take his surname. can he do that with only paying damages or does he need to pay anything else. we are both Tswana.

    Posted on August 24, 2015 at 10:56 am #
    • From Vee:

      Hi Modiegi,

      Him paying lobola does not grant him permission to change the child’s surname unless otherwise leniently agreed to by you parents and yourself. He is only acknowledging that he has wronged your parents by making you pregnant outside marriage, he acknowledges that and is seeking to build a relationship with the child (since you’re not together). Ngwana ke wa ga mmagwe go fitlhela a nyalwa.

      Posted on November 4, 2015 at 1:13 am #
  51. From Thenjiwe:

    A boy made my 22year old girl pregnant and he promised over and over that as soon as he gets employed he will come to pay the damages. The child is 16months old and he is more than one year with the employer ,he is now quite on his promise.
    I am angry and I want to take him to court.

    Posted on September 18, 2015 at 9:34 am #
  52. From bongz:

    Things evolve and as much as there is culture and tradition some people may not follow it and they are not forced to do so. A promise to pay damages may just be that a promise damages may also be paid when your grand child is older. I understand you might have had different future plans for your daughter like marriage then children but she made a different choice and its her life.

    Posted on October 26, 2015 at 7:20 pm #
  53. From Elijah:

    Hello everyone how much dude you have to pay for breaking someone’s virginity?? does it get worse if you are not from south africa

    Posted on November 2, 2015 at 10:54 pm #
  54. From Dima:

    Hello Good people

    I am 27,Currently pregnant and my boyfriend and his family are very happy and supportive ,my boyfriends father assists that my family should bring me to them to report the pregnancy traditionally,but the problem is that my parents are in a process of divorce,my dad does not want to do anything with us as well as his sisters and my mom is depress because of the situation she is facing ,I’ve been told that my mom cant take me to my boyfriends home-stand by herself ,it should be my aunts,which my aunts are angry and fighting with my mom so they wont take me…so my questions is ..is it okay to ask random people to accompany me to report the pregnancy or its necessary to be family members.

    Please help as my mom told me to sort that out by myself ….Thank you

    Posted on November 12, 2015 at 6:56 am #
    • From Ayanda Ngcobo:

      Hi Dima

      Your mother’s relatives can also accompany you.

      Posted on November 19, 2015 at 9:41 am #
  55. From Donrazor:

    My girlfriend is 2months pregnant and am happy to leave with her coz l love her and my baby.. The problem is that she’s stioll with her mom and she does not know that her daughter is pregnant.. Is it ok if she just elopes to me and pay damages later or l have to make some kind of letting them know that she’s pregnant? Am Zwean

    Posted on December 13, 2015 at 3:35 pm #
    • From Melun:

      I believe that its best if you both sit down with her mother and inform her of the pregnancy and discuss what you guys want to do. You have made a choice that you want to live with her and the baby so so let it be known.

      All of the best

      Posted on December 29, 2015 at 8:57 am #
    • From BONGIWE:

      No culture says if you marry a women her children have to take the surname of the man they getting married to just like you can also decide to take or not to take your husbands surname. Children taking husbands surnames was done as a cover up that a girl has actually had a child before marriage with a different man.

      The question is what do you want for your child , children get confused and ask questions later because adults did what they thought was the best for them which is not always the case. A man can marry you with your child if that’s his decision and that child doesn’t not have to change her/ his surname.

      According to the Child Justice Act, decisions should be based on the best interest of the child not in the best interest of the marriage. It is illegal to change a surname of the child willy nilly it is the same as stealing the child. Please visit your nearest children’s court and seek advise.

      Posted on January 13, 2016 at 7:30 pm #
  56. From Melun:

    I am coloured and the father of my babies are Venda. I want our second born baby to be baptized and discussed this with him. Now he has backed out because I dont want the babies heads to be shaved for there blessing in the Venda Culture. Can someone please provide me some insight?

    Posted on December 22, 2015 at 11:01 am #
  57. From bongz:

    Hair grows back.

    Posted on December 29, 2015 at 10:19 am #
  58. From Maglad:

    hi guys
    I am a pedi lady and I have a 8yr old boy by a guy who didn’t marry me and we r separated and not talking he is doing nothing for my son but fortunately im working, the story is I happen to meet this Zimbabwean guy who our agreement is he is going to marry me the thing is in our pedi culture if you marry me with a kid ma baby is going to take the husband’s name as the mother will be doing that but the guy refuses and say its illegally I don’t know how cos his father does not care he insisted the child should be called with my maiden surname so pls ineed help he said the same thing is happening even in Zulu and Xhosa culture how true is that because im never my son back at home as if he is a mistake while im staying with our own kids with different surname pls pls help im frustrated and we r not even talking so if that’s how it is I should not waste tym im now in my mid 30’s

    Posted on January 7, 2016 at 8:04 am #
  59. From Kev:

    HI Guys

    I have been going through the comments to see if i can find a situation similar to mine.

    I have NOT paid damages for my daughter but she lives with my parents & I pay for everything and her mothers family don’t do much financially but we drop her off every weekend to visit them. Her mother & i broke up while pregnant.
    Her mother got married to someone else and has a child.

    I want to go pay & get my daughter to use my surname & make the mothers drunken uncles stop throwing shade.
    How much should i expect to pay?
    Does the mothers family have a reason to deny the surname change?

    Posted on March 16, 2016 at 3:28 pm #
  60. From NOMBUSO:

    hi my name is nombuso from gauteng I have a question for you so when the family of the boy who impregnated a girl pay the inhlawulo do they have a right to take the baby away from the mothers family?please reply ASAP I’m sorry to rush you just that I’m curious

    Posted on April 1, 2016 at 12:19 pm #
  61. From Timu:

    Good Day

    I am Shangaan(Nguni) grew up in Bushbuckridge, i am dating a zulu gal, last year she got miscarriage i am planning to pay lobola very soon, my questions is that are they going to include inkomo ka mama twice or once, i understand they will expect damages fo the miscarriage which includes inkomo ka mama, i also want to start the lobola negotiations same time. its not like she was a virgin when i found her anyway.

    Posted on April 5, 2016 at 11:05 am #
  62. From Mutle:

    myson is 27 born from a tswana and ndebele father who failed to support him from childwood or pay ukuhlawolela mtwana to date. a year ago he sent his older children to our family to ask for quotation to marry him.
    to date, he has not said or done a thing. i feel he is very disrepectful and he keeps hurting this boy so much that the relationship is beyond repair. my boy wants him to do amasiko and adopt his surname to have a sense of belonging which i understand and i respect but his father is not willing to work together in anything. my son is unemployed and he has mechanical engineering while his other children he got supportive to get them jobs. please help me get this man involved. It is no longer about the money but please my son so that in future when we are dead, his life is sorted. i am 55 and he is 60. help us how to get him to do amasiko please.

    Posted on April 14, 2016 at 2:16 pm #
  63. From Kabza:

    my question was what steps need to be taken to inform the parents that their daughter is living with me. she’s not pregnant or anything we just really working hard together to be together for life.

    Posted on May 25, 2016 at 10:28 am #
  64. From londiwe buthelezi:

    I didn’t know I was pregnant till I went to the hospital and found out I had a miscarriage I told my boyfriend so I want to know if are damages paid if you lost the child in like 3 to 4 weeks

    Posted on August 11, 2016 at 5:01 pm #
    • From BONGIWE:

      No they are not paid.

      Posted on September 13, 2016 at 7:46 pm #
  65. From diana:

    hi
    i had a miscarriage on the 19th of august this year and what saddens me more is that my partner was supposed to have meet up with his elders to discuss the lobola negotiations with them and write a letter to be delivered to my parents to ask for a date for them to come and discuss it. but now that things like this miscarriage has happened, i have a bad feeling that they may not come as promised due to the fact that even the money he was supposed to have given his elders to pay lobola has already beeing used as we speak and it now feels like a lifetime wait. am i being hasty or is my question too harsh?
    i lost the baby due to the limitations of it being growing slowly and not having much progress and other sorts of like being over 35 etc, so the dr explained. i am very hurt and what makes it more hurtful is that i always had dreams of me being pregnant and losing the baby due to miscarriage and id always tell him about the dreams but he seemed not to take them seriously. it hurts so bad cos i feel like i have lost a huge part of me and my heart is ripped in to small tiny pieces. i will never forget that day i cried myself in so much pain and seeing my baby even though it wasnt growing or rather progressing it hurts so much and the experience i went through i wouldnt wish those who call themselves my enemies to go through it. losing a baby whether it was fully formed or still a clot its very painful and heartbreaking
    i gave him or her the name of Diteboho meaning (Thanks) even though we were fighting not physically but more like arguing a lot with his father but naming him Diteboho suits him/her. she/he will always be in my heart and close to me, nevertheless how small he/she was. to me she/he felt like a real person especially when seeing her/his heartbeat on the ultrasound last week thursday it was a feeeling no one can explain. I LOVE U DITEBOHO hope you are well taken care of wherever you are. it wouldve been lovely to see you growing next to your brothers and sister. mummy will always hear your heartbeat whenever my heart beats every second and every minute until i come and i join you, REST IN PEACE my dear.

    Posted on August 24, 2016 at 1:34 pm #
    • From BONGIWE:

      You have just lost a child, there seem to be trauma and hurting and depression going on and it is expected so please take your time, focus on yourself and heal. Open up and let your partner support you in the way she/he best knows how. Bring people that care about you closer seek professional help if you have to. Do not forget time heals and I am talking from experience.
      Being pregnant shouldn’t be the only way that they man is willing to send people to start lobola negotiations. If you are not sure about where you stand you need to be asking your partner direct questions and I still do believe this is not the right time. Maybe this is the right time to start afresh and maybe get married first before trying for another baby it is totally up to you.
      BE HAPPY

      Posted on September 13, 2016 at 7:24 pm #
  66. From diana:

    God will always have a final say.

    Posted on August 24, 2016 at 1:38 pm #
    • From BONGIWE:

      Locus of control

      There are 2 different types of people in locus control.

      1. Those who know that for every action there is a reaction and they need to take control for their own lives and there are no miracles in life.

      2, Those who think or believe that everything is work of outside forces like God and the holly spirit or the universe and those are the type of people you can not rely on for advice.

      Posted on September 13, 2016 at 7:41 pm #
  67. From Mhlonishwa:

    Hi .My girlfriend and I have lost ama twins due to miscarriage.Kubuhlungu for both us,I will not lie.Esidinga ukukwazi ukuthi kuzofuneka yini ngiyohlawula

    Posted on November 9, 2016 at 6:48 pm #
  68. From xholani:

    Hi I impregnated a Zulu girl and it was a one night stand I have two children with my fiancé and I am really need to make things right with my fiancé and my children I don’t anything to do with this girl but I want to be there for child and so does my fiancé, what do I do

    Posted on November 11, 2016 at 7:05 am #
  69. From Anonymous:

    Hi I am a coloured girl,

    a few years back I dated a pedi guy, he was older then me. he told me a lot of lies and made me believe there was a future for me with him. as our relationship went on I fell pregnant, he was not happy at all and wanted me to have an abortion only to find out he is married and have kids as well. when I refused to have the abortion he had to tell his wife and family. the family requested a DNA test which proved that he is the father of my son, but his family rejected my son. he pays child support but not every month because of his family. Now my son is 5 years old and this guy is losing everything his company he is becoming ill he has a weak heart in and out of hospital. could this be part of tradition because his family is rejecting my son and because no rituals was done. I am not sure how this works,please advise. as this guy is blaming me and my son for his badluck.

    Posted on January 3, 2017 at 9:58 am #
  70. From Pushi:

    I need your urgent help.The father of my second child want to pay Intlawulo but he told my family to decide so I want to know if it is a cow even in your second child with different man.

    Posted on July 25, 2017 at 2:09 pm #
    • From Zulu:

      If you already have a baby with another man, what more payments do you want? Maybe you should pay him if he has no kids before

      Posted on October 28, 2017 at 4:40 pm #

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